Sunday, March 7, 2010

Escape to Never-Neverland

Do you ever wish you could turn back the clock and return to the simple joys of childhood? Would you do anything different? My uber-talented sister Megan posted some pictures of our childhood home and yard online and it made me cry looking at the warm, familiar places. I have felt so homesick for family lately and am counting down the 4 weeks to go see them and Chris's family. I am broken hearted because this may be my last visit in my childhood home. Mom and Dad are building a house in Utah and I am so happy for them but I am sad for me. (Selfish, I know.) I always imagined taking my future children there to go see Grandma and Grandpa Rice and go to Disneyland and continue to make all kinds of wonderful memories there. But I have to face the music and "grow up" so to speak. But I really don't want to let go. I'm not ready to grow up. I don't think I'll ever be there, but here I am, 25 1/2 years old (yes, closer to 30 now) and in this moment of emotion and weakness I feel like a child who just wants to go home- escape to my personal Never-Neverland. 4 weeks... then I can fly free again.

On a happier note, I really enjoyed earlier today. Chris and I went to the Houston Zoo and enjoyed every minute of it. It was nice and cool out and the animals were quite lively and "affectionate" toward one another as it is getting closer to spring, if you get my drift. ;) I can't wait to go back in a few months to see what babies have been born! I truly appreciated the beauty of God's creatures today and it made me feel close to Him.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Who's your daddy??

Last weekend Chris and I saw "Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief!" It was a fun movie, even though it didn't exactly follow the book. We have always loved mythology and had fun discussing different myths and the gods later that night. I love how the ancient greeks and romans created gods and stories to explain life, and gave each god their own specialties. Since a large part of "The Lightning Thief" is about a boy discovering that he is the son of Poseidon, the god of the ocean, we looked at our own personalities and gifts and determined which gods we were the children of! Mine is Apollo, the god of light, truth, music, and the arts, while Chris's is Poseidon because of his love of the ocean (he feels most at home on a boat with no land to be seen!) and he's a Pisces. ;) As I thought how cool would it be to be a child of a god, I remembered something... I already am! THE God. The one and only. And I felt embarrassed for momentarily forgetting my royal heritage: I am the daughter of a king. Dear readers, never forget how special you truly are. You are all sons and daughters of God and he loves you completely. :)

Monday, February 8, 2010

Feeling happy :)

I feel incredibly happy and at peace right now. I de-stressed from a semi-crappy day at work by playing my piano for the last hour. I closed my eyes and just let go. It felt amazing to touch the keys and let my fingers guide me. I created some beautiful music and some interesting chords too, to say the least. ;) I am grateful to God for my musical gifts. I need to cultivate that more and I intend to. I've been tuning into my heart's desires to create and enjoy my favorite things lately and it feels so good. I've been playing my instruments, writing, reading, relaxing, putting together puzzles, and enjoying fresh air when the weather's been lovely. This is what life is all about- enjoying, experiencing, and fulfilling that "bucket list," one item at a time. What's on my bucket list? Lots of things- and number one being enjoying life. Check. Except that check-mark is ever-lasting. :)

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Writing Exercise: Sorrow, Vodka, Helplessness, Hope

He was gone. Jim would never be back. She picked up his sweatshirt and inhaled deeply. His scent was still there. Audrey hugged the navy blue hoodie tightly and started to cry. Oh how she longed to feel his arms around her again, feel his warm body pressed against hers. Taste his kiss again... but that could never be. The cancer had taken him away, taken him away at twenty-nine years old. Jim had been the love of her life, the one she wanted to spend forever with.

Audrey sank into the couch, feeling the cold leather seep through her silk robe. She shivered, and turned longingly toward the bottle at her side.

"Drink me," it called, "let me drown your sorrow." Audrey hesitatingly traced her fingers along its grey goose neck.

"Two years sober," she thought, "but tonight I need you."

She opened the bottle slowly, her heart pounding. She closed her eyes, and could see Jimmy clearly. He was whole again- warm, smiling, and happy. He was not a cold rotting corpse in the ground. Audrey shivered again and blinked back tears as she pressed the bottle to her lips. She felt the liquid slip down her throat, and savored the burn.

"Jimmy, I can't live without you," she whispered in the dark. She took another drink. The vodka warmed her body and for the first time in days she saw clearly. Tonight she would be with Jim again.

As Audrey leaned forward, the alcohol rushed to her head, making her dizzy. Her fingers fumbled around underneath the couch until they touched cold metal. Audrey pulled the revolver from its hiding place, and rested it against her head. Shaking, Audrey squeezed her eyes shut, and pulled the trigger.

The light from the moon watched over the apartment in silence until warm, orange rays filtered through the windows, signifying the start of a new day. Birds chirped outside, welcoming the morning. Inside, the daybreak was greeted by silence.

Lori pounded her fist on the door of apartment thirty-two.

"Aud, it's me! Let me in!"

No answer. Lori felt her heart begin to pound. Something was wrong. Lori extracted her spare key from her purse and turned it inside the lock. Lori felt the lock loosen, and opened the door.

"Oh my God! Oh my GOD!" Lori shouted, as she surveyed the scene. Lori ran over to Audrey's still body and shook her. With relief, Lori let out a huge sigh as Audrey mumbled "go away" and tried to twist out of Lori's arms.

"Audrey! What the fuck? A gun? What are you doing with a gun? Oh my God Audrey! This is not good." Lori spotted the nearly empty bottle vodka that had fallen to the floor.

"Oh Audrey! What would Jim have thought? You've been sober for so long!" Lori exclaimed.

"I don't know, I can't, I just can't do it without him," Audrey stammered. "I can't live without him!" Audrey's tears flowed freely, though she didn't know she had any reservoirs left to cry. Her eyes burned and felt raw. Would she ever feel normal again?

Lori wrapped her arms around her sister, letting her cry.

"We'll get you some help. I knew I should have stayed with you last night. You'll get through this," Lori comforted her.

"Okay," Audrey replied. "Ohhh,"she added a moment later when Lori tried to help her off the couch. A tidal wave of nausea overwhelmed her and a cold sweat covered her skin. "I think, I think I'm gonna be..." Audrey fell forward and covered the carpet in clear vomit. The smell was horrific and burned Lori's nostrils.

"I see you haven't been eating," Lori judged. "C'mon sis, let's get you to the shower.

Lori lifted her sister by the arms and half carried her to the bathroom.

The hot water in the tiny bathtub soothed Audrey's aching body and the steam helped clear her muddied thoughts.

"I'm sorry," Audrey's voice shook.

"It's okay. We'll get you help. You can do this. Do it for him," Lori said.

Audrey closed her eyes again and imagined Jim's arms around her.

"I love you baby," Jim whispered in her ear. "I am always here with you. You can fight this."

Audrey knew Jim was with her in spirit and for the first time in a week, felt a twinge of hope.


Sooo I'm thinking about taking a short story writing class that starts in less than two weeks. It's 8 Saturday mornings in a row at Rice University (40 ish minutes away.) The only thing holding me back is the cost and wondering if it's really worth it. I love to write but don't know if this is the right move. Lots to think about! In the meantime I'll continue reading and doing random writing exercises like this and see what I can come up with! Okay, it's now 2:21am... I should probably get to bed!! Why is it that it's always late at night/early morning when I am hit with inspiration!? :)

Saturday, January 30, 2010

My first time

I closed my eyes, exhaled, and let go, feeling myself break free. My heart raced because I knew I was breaking the rules. This was something new, something I had to explore. I reached out, letting my fingers wander. "Mmmm this feels good," I thought. All of the tension in my body left as I discovered climax. "Yes! This is it, this is how it feels," I thrilled, as I realized I had just created my first song on the piano.

GOTCHA!!! ;)

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Ripples of Water

I found my old meditation notebook today! This is like gold to me. I took 'Meditation' as one of my core creative classes at Sonoma State University- (gotta love liberal CA schools!!!) and I found one of my favorite entries that I wrote after a session...

Thursday, 2/23/06

Ripples of water. I am swimming in the sea of the night sky. The water is black, illuminated by stars. The moonlight reflects on its surface as I swim naked, feeling the coolness as it rushes around me. I move my arms, I create more ripples. I float on my back, more ripples. I let my body sink into the inky black and resurface again, reborn into sunlight and light blue waters. I am refreshed. I feel anew, the sunlight warms my naked body. I am at peace. I feel tranquility. Ripples of water, still around me.


I love how reading that passage makes me feel. It is raw and unedited, a true part of myself at that time. It makes me remember what I was experiencing- change, wonder, and new ways of thinking. I need to start meditating again- it brings so much clarity and creativity to the surface and is quite inspirational! I'm already letting some ideas cook and I'm feeling quite excited about it! Dream interpretation, one of my passions, has a role in it... ;)